I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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