My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
