Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize