What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
