Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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