So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
