how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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