just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
