I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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