Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
50% drunk capacity currently
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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