I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
