We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
