I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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