Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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