my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
