Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
