so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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