Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
