Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
