Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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