So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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