We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
