guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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