I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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