I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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