Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
