I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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