I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
