I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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