I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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