Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
