So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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