This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
This toilet bowl is my home.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
