They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
