My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
