just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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