My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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