I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
