I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just pee around me
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
