So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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