Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
