I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize