My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
