after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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