i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
