youre lurking in front of me
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
