so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
