Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
