I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
