Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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