Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
