I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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