I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize