I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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