Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
this will be a night to untag.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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