He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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