There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
