MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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